I left the Tall City to attend a personal retreat to help me discern and listen to God. As I drove up the drive of the Haven Inn in Comfort Texas, there were oak, pecan, and mesquite trees. I could smell the fragrance of the desert willow as I got out of the truck and approached the front door. There’s a huge wrap-around porch with tables, chairs, and rockers to enjoy God’s beauty and nature.
I am approaching Day 29 of my three-month sabbatical. I have spent most of the time meditating on Deuteronomy 34:8, “The people of Israel mourned for Moses on the plains of Moab for thirty days.” As I have read this scripture over and over, I have also paired this passage with 1 Kings 19 as Elijah flees to Sinai to escape Jezebel. I am drawn to the image of Elijah in the cave and the Lord saying, “What are you doing here?” Elijah and his feelings are as real as our own.
Elijah and Joshua were overwhelmed, anxious, and perhaps experiencing loss. Both needed to take a step back, take a deep breath, and realize that living in God’s presence doesn’t always eliminate our fears. What I have learned so far, I too need to retreat to my “cave” to rest, remember, and discern. As Elijah stands on the mountain, a mighty windstorm hits the mountain, after the wind, an earthquake, and a fire. However, it was the gentle whisper that Elijah heard and recognized.
For me, the earthquake, windstorms, and fires are not to be taken literally but as examples of things that frighten, hurt, and wound us to the core. According to Father Thomas Keating, discernment is a process of letting go of what we are not. Anxiety, fear, and woundedness do not define me.
As I walked the property of this retreat, I realized that it was time for me to embrace the more contemplative side of my faith. Through walking barefoot in the yard, taking time to just be, and realizing that anxiety/stress is simply the brokenness that I bring to Jesus. My growing edge is not giving it to Jesus. My life has been a cycle of giving it to Jesus, then picking it back up, giving it to Jesus, picking it back up. I claim today, in Jesus’ name, the cycle must stop.
My breathing prayer for the next few days is as follows: Breathe in saying, “In Jesus’ name”, breathe out saying, I am loved and a valued child of God. As I have been more intentional with breathing prayers, observing/listening to trees, and just being, I am hearing the gentle whisper of God saying, “What are you doing here?” In Jesus’ name, I embrace the next steps of my sabbatical.
Blessings,
Tom
Long Talk…. 
The more I read your blog, the more I realize that you and I have been on similar journeys this year. For me, especially during the winter months, it was an excruciating experience, but, like you, I was able to rest in the arms of my family. Unlike you, at least from what I’ve read in your blog, I struggled with my faith, to the point of not believing at all. But slowly, slowly I am feeling God’s presence again. Your blog is helping to make that happen. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us as you travel this road. I continue to pray for you daily.
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You are not a “ literalist “ ?!!!lol you mean to tell me that it really was not a earthquake,, storm and fire 🔥???!!!
29 of 90 days .. correct ? So glad you are stepping away to take this time to discern , rest , relax , have fun , breath in , breath out .. you name it , time with Amy etc .. always enjoy hearing what you are doing .
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